On some days, I just want to be known. I want you to know about the summer I spent lying on this verandah, reading a book my father got me from the library. It was such a fun read that the days blurred into one another on their own. I want you to know how quiet it was, how I could lie here for hours and just be content in my own company. Once in a while my mother or grandmother would pass by, throwing me guavas or some other fruit they picked up from our land. Sometimes I wouldn’t even look up from the book. But that was okay. They understood.
There used to be moments when I would just put the book down, lie back and look up at the sky. The sky is always pretty here, a beautiful blue. You can often spot white fluffy clouds drifting away. Sometimes I would hang my head down from the edge of the floor and look at the world upside down. My hair was long enough back then to slightly touch the floor, and the feeling that came with it always brought me a sense of comfort. The world looked different upside down. Sometimes for the better.
Now that I am telling you all this, I would like you to also know that my only memory of my grandfather is also from this verandah. I remember him sitting here on one edge, while I sat on the other. I have been told that he used to leave me a portion of his food every day without fail. In this memory, he is having his lunch. I am sitting nearby, expectantly, waiting for him to finish so that I can have the share that he fondly offers me. There is also a grey dog next to him in this image, but I can’t clearly picture it somehow.
I am not really sure if this is a memory though. I know that after my grandfather passed away, my father took up his role and started leaving me a tiny portion of his food, just like my grandfather used to do. Sometimes I wonder if this memory is an image I created out of all the stories I heard over the years. Maybe I have revisited it so many times that now it feels like a memory. That makes me sad. I would like this image to be real.
I love that everything feels okay as long as I am lying here. Especially on the days when there is sunlight and a light breeze. I don’t know how to explain to you how it feels when there is sunlight falling on my skin. It feels like my entire brain is exploding with happiness and nothing, absolutely nothing can dampen my mood. And the breeze? I swear there is nothing quite like the sound of leaves rustling against its soft touch.
On some days I wish you could see me, just existing in my world. I wish you could know that there is more to me than just pain and hurt. I feel joy and love and warmth and sometimes I radiate them too. I wish you could see it. Even if for a little while.
